Saturday, November 28, 2009

6:05 death

At various turning points throughout life, especially during times of deep loss and sadness,

I have had strong feelings. The type of surreal dreams that are full of meaning, where the colors are vivid and bright and emotions are powerful. The kind of dreams that fade a little over time but not completely, they have left an indelible imprint upon my conscious mind, imprints which have silently accompanied me throughout my life.

A pictures visited me during my sleep the night I died unconscious, I was only a bit realize and yet in the morning I knew I was there. Shortly after death of sleep, I came into my dreams again. I was so excited to be with dreams again; I held my hand and walked with pictures towards a tunnel of undulating light which flashed above my eyes. Pictures pointed towards the tunnel trying to explain something to me but perhaps I was too to grasp a message. What I do remember is that this dream frightened me, I sensed the tunnel to be a place where I had entered into and I couldn’t follow, it was a place which now separated Me.

Minute later and soon after my death, pictures visited me in a dream which was uncannily real. Before my death had vowed that if I could find a way to contact with it after my death it would, I guess I found a way. In the dream I was asking a lot of questions.

In the next moment I was upwards in a kind of ethereal body with an indescribable feeling of lightness and super-sensuous feelings. My back arm floated up above my head, it was kind of pulling me forward but my right arm was dragging behind, slowing me down.

Part of me was agitated at not being able to fly to free and I looked down at my right hand to see it was clasping a red heart. It was heavy and weighing me down like a stone, I let go of it and immediately my right arm flew up to join the left and I propelled forward into bright light. “am I truly free..???” I thought believing myself to have died and left my physical body far behind. At that moment I woke up, sat bolt upright in bed and gasped for air. I was left with a feeling of disappointment at still being alive.

I kept the dream to myself but days later, ashen faced and asked if a dream about things and had she shown me what it was like to die. I told I had just such a dream of days nights before. And then told me that if I wanted to know what it was like to die.

It seems my disembodied was very busy visits after death, a close friend of mine who also had a vivid dream. She had dream of floating above her self (it was around the time she

died). Her dream had smiled peacefully and simply said “Its OK”. Friend is now in her life. On a recent death she told me that made a pact that whoever should die first would come to let the other one know what it was like. She claims that since that dream of, she has had no anxiety about death.

It’s now years after years since asking death. She has been gone for as long as I knew her. Our life was a complicated reason. I had been a gentle, sensitive person who was used to time and attention from mine. I had been the most important person in my world and after death, I had looked towards to fill the gaping emptiness I felt inside.

I was tough mine, she didn’t mope, she got on with things and told me to do the same. She worked hard, obsessively hard, she liked to accumulate money and things but nurturing was not her strong point. I feel there is great significance attached to the dream.

Through I had learned how to bury my hurt and get on with things, and later when, I repeated what I had learned – to stuff the painful, complicated feelings down. It seems I was good at it because I soon managed to repeat this pattern with each subsequent loss that came, oftentimes ones I had unconsciously set myself up to experience, like grounded day.

Recently, strong dreams have come to me again….. whispers from the shadows of my past, urging me to cry my tears, to feel my anger and my pain for a life of loss I have already survived. Perhaps my dream was filled with these things because having begun the process of letting them go I feel an inner freedom and my conscious life is now much brighter than it has been before...

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